After 25 years of living with either parents, friends or boyfriends who made sure I was fed, bathed and technologically set up, I’m living on my tod and after an impressive 9 weeks, still alive. Hurrah.
For those of you who are in the same position or going that way (chin up!), here are some very helpful Do’s and Don’ts for living alone.
- Spend your money wisely. It’s warm so you don’t need a kettle, buy shoes instead. This is called ‘Smart Shopping’.
- Take advantage of not sharing a fridge and use the space to store your nail varnishes. They go on better when they’re cold and also make your chocolate-crammed fridge look so pretty.
- Pad out all that extra wardrobe space with new clothes, this way you’ll never remember that you live alone. (The new clothes are also great for scrunching around you when you feel the bed is too big. Which kindly leads us onto…)
- Sleep like a starfish in your ugliest pyjamas. When you’re married you’ll look back on these days with fondness whilst your snoring husband takes up all the room and passes wind in his sleep.
- Record The Hills re-runs, Big Brother, Don’t Tell The Bride etc. and pretend you’re into hard hitting documentaries about politics when someone asks. No one will know the truth!
- Put up bunting. Boys hate it, we love it. Take advantage of this time.
- Have a cupboard to conceal all of your empty wine bottles in from those Friday nights when you were a bit sad and decided getting tipsy and crying to He’s Just Not That Into You was the best option. You’ll be glad of this idea when your mum makes a surprise visit to check you’re still alive.
- Shout “EVERYONE BACK TO MINE – I LIVE ALONE!” in a bar. It’s dangerous.
- Attempt to change a lightbulb whilst standing on a chair in socks when you’re only 5ft 3. It’s lethal and you’ll end up living by candlelight after swearing to never put yourself through that ordeal again.
- Neglect Adele’s music. Yes it’s sad but you’re safe in the knowledge that your love life will never be as bad as hers. It’s a classier version of watching Jeremy Kyle to make yourself feel better.
- Get too used to talking to yourself. The odd natter is fine but full on conversations should be avoided unless you want to be known as that crazy girl from downstairs who laughs to herself. My neighbours always talk about one on my floor but I haven’t heard her yet. Strange…
- Go food shopping. You’re single, get out there girl! (Or just, you know, grab a McDonalds on the way home).
- Pick out clothes from your Floor-drobe – some standards must remain and dresses deserve pretty hangers.
- Ever, EVER, watch Tom from McFly’s wedding speech. It will never happen to you, he is obviously not even human and you will cry sweet sweet tears of jealousy. (If you haven’t seen it, here it is. You’ve been warned).
So there we are, a simple guide to living alone full of important advice.